How many times have you agreed to do something you don’t want to do or don’t have the time for? Do you find it hard to say no? Then, you might be a people pleaser.
“The only thing wrong with trying to please everyone is that there is always at least one person who will remain unhappy. You.”
Elizabeth Parker
What is a people pleaser?
A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy, even at their own expense. Being empathetic and wanting to help others are great, but it becomes toxic when we prioritise the wants of others above our own needs and cover up how we truly feel.
Signs of people pleasing
Try to read and count how many of these scenarios are relatable!
- You say yes to parties or events you don’t want to go to
- You offer to help someone, even if you’re busy or really tired
- You feel pressure to be cheerful or friendly at all times
- You feel responsible for others’ emotions
- You don’t have your own opinion
- You avoid disagreeing with people or expressing your honest opinion
- You feel like you never have time for yourself
- You always say you’re fine even if you’re not
- You change your values for others, but regret it later
- You can’t seem to say no
Setting healthy boundaries
There are many ways to break this bad habit, one of which is by setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries could be understood as walls that separate us from others. It is necessary for taking care of ourselves and maintaining our well-being.
Here are three tips to begin:
- Know what you want and what you are comfortable with
- Talk to the person about your needs and try to be consistent
- Establish your boundaries and communicate when someone crossed it
How do we say NO politely?
Practice these five different ways to say no:
- Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it
- It sounds great, but I won’t be able to make it. Maybe next time!
- I wish I could help, but I have a prior engagement
- You are so thoughtful to invite me, I’d love to meet up with you another day!
- I really appreciate your offer, but I’m going to have to decline
“
Is it worthwhile doing all of this?
Yes, of course! Although it gets uncomfortable to set healthy boundaries at first, we will see great changes and benefits as time goes on. We will be able to take care of others while also focusing on our own wellbeing and happiness. The right people will always encourage us to care for ourselves first and learn how to say NO.
Read more about an inspiring story of a student’s recovery journey from being a people pleaser here. Also, this video might give you more ideas on how to enforce healthy boundaries.
Staff Profile
Name: Suvir
Role: Social Work Placement Student
What are you studying at UNSW? Bachelor of Social Work (Honours)
What does a healthy boundary mean to you?
A healthy boundary is something that pretty much forces you to have to prioritise yourself.
How have you set healthy boundaries for yourself?
Once a fortnight I try to have a day to myself where I try not to think about any work or university assignments.
What are some ways you say no politely?
I try to be as transparent as possible and people know that I need to take some time to myself. I like to suggest that we meet either next week or the week after as well!
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